No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
