Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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