I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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