Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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