I puked a lego.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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