I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
