next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize