Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
