There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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