if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
