life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Found the puke drawer
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
