I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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