I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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