We won't sleep together?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
