dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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