I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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