Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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