I think I won the penis lottery.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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