my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Randomize
