My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
