evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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