did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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