There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
