in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
