Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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