I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
