i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
