Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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