my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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