nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
