sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
