Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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