My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
