Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
