this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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