Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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