dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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