He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
