how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
