The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my being single is dangerous.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
