U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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