Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
