hotel room ftw
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
