My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
