Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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