I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
