On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
