the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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