I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
