John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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