Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
