Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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