I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
