There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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