If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
