He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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