I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
