the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
