So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
