Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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