Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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