Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
