The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
