I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
